It's in the process

I walked around the house in a bit of a daze, not really understanding the future I was heading towards or the conversation I had just had which changed everything I had been thinking. 

It doesn't take much, sometimes just 6 small words, none more than 4 letters long. And then your life is upside down, turning in ways you only thought roller coasters could. 

Sometimes I look back and then forward and then try to settle on focusing on the right now in this moment; and in each of those I recognize a different version of me. 

I see who I always want to be, in the future, distant and almost un-achievable; I see the old me and wonder how I ever was her or how she ever became me. And then I see me now in this moment typing on this keyboard and I look and don't necessarily understand how I got from past to present or how I will ever get to future.... 

My mind wanders so much, and I think it makes me get through day to day, trying to figure it all out and remember things a bit more exciting than they were, a bit more in colour.... Inventing futures with colours that do not exist yet just so my heart can hold on, or my head can take in the present and all that is right now. 

I'm resting now, moving from room to room, reading or watching, taking in the many goodbyes and see you soons, and realizing that it's September on Monday and I haven't done everything I thought I would by now. 

I'm listening to Steffany's album, all about the process and trying to figure out how to process like she did, but in my own way, in my own way with God and maybe paper and pens and a floor surrounded with candles, and a cup of Yorkshire. 

R/